The mirror doesn’t show me a pleasant reflection
Though all it shows it what I am
It’s not enough to want something,
you have to take action to make it something.
What do you do when you can’t take steps forward
because you can’t see where your feet will land?
I feel like every time there’s something worth stepping
forward for, I am crippled by anxieties, insecurity,
my me-ness…
Instead I’ll stagger back, fall to my knees, and crumple.
Sometimes at night while I’m lying in bed I get vivid flashbacks/ experience my memories like I’m reliving them. This can often be very shocking to me, and they don’t always go away when I try to distract myself. I decided that I would write some of them, but for now I am going to list some titles of those that I can remember most at this moment. Once they become vivid again, I’ll write them out.
Sometimes I remember good things vividly, but it’s unsettling nonetheless.
We’ll see what I get around to writing these. Some of them I may not share publicly as there is a lot of trauma hidden behind some of those titles, in those memories.
*Peter is being used instead of the real name of the person who the memory is about.
The weekend of November 15-18 I had the pleasure to once again be a staffer for Northwest Model United Nations (NWMUN) Seattle. My participation in MUN goes back five years with numerous conferences I’ve both attended as a delegate or as a staffer.
Now this post is not to go too in depth about my experience in MUN, I will do that another time, but what I am here to mention is a key fact about MUN. A fact that is always a key part of why I come back year and year.
You meet incredible people at MUN conferences, both on the delegate side and the staff side.
This year at NWMUN Seattle 2018 I had the pleasure of meeting Scott D. Jacobsen, an independent journalist residing in British Columbia, Canada.
One thing I enjoy about the beginnings of our interactions was my sleep deprived attempt at an introduction which was simply, “Who are you?” I didn’t recognize him from previous conferences, so naturally, my response was normal, right? Not so much but it definitely says a lot about me as a person, which didn’t seem to hinder us talking about MUN, politics, his articles, and life in general.
Following the conference we continued to chat and he asked me if I had interest in being interviewed for a format he calls Question Time. The focus being on mental illness, disability, coping, and resiliency. One thing I find important is to share my story, to share my experiences. I am not a speaker for every person who experiences mental illness or disability, but I can offer my story to be a space for others to not feel so isolated.
If I can help just one person, that’s enough for me.
Thank you Scott for the opportunity and for being a spring board for me falling back into writing.
So, below is the link to the article.
Content warnings include: depression, anxiety, death, ADHD, self harm, drug addiction, and suicide.
Porch Cat is a pop punk band local to Bellingham with the best name, and there are some other incredibly unique things about them. The band pulls from life experiences as queer artists living with disabilities and what it’s like to navigate through the world with marginalized bodies and identities.
Thethemes included in their music are love, loss, self-love, queer love, honesty, living with chronic illness, and recovering from traumas.
I find them inspiring because of their unique sound, Chan and Emily’s voices and musical talents, combined with the stories that are incredibly relatable to me.
I first saw Porch Cat live in the last year, and one song that they played that made me cry because of how relatable it was is called Medical Mystery. That is how I got the courage to approach Chan at the end of the show and thank them for their music. It’s a connection folks with disabilities don’t always get. I am so grateful to know Chan and Emily, and I look forward to more of their music, both individually and as Porch Cat, hopefully I’ll be seeing them live again soon.
Please don’t forget to support local artists!
The image is not mine and I do not know who to give image credit to other than Chan Barazza, model and band member.
Well, here we are. It’s Thanksgiving in the US, and as somewhat usual I am unable to go be with family this year. I have had many years of dinner with family so I am not good at all to complain about working today. With my upcoming surgery, I need these hours.
The hardest part of working this week (for me specifically) is the wide range of my hours. I returned from my Model UN conference Sunday night, slept all day Monday to recover, and then Tuesday was back at it. Alongside my major depressive episode, I know for a fact that the wide variance in my hours is not going to benefit my mental health, productivity, or sleep patterns.
Tuesday: 11:30am-7:00pm
Wednesday: 4:00pm-8:00pm
Thursday (🦃): 6:45am-2:00pm
Friday: 8:00pm-3:30am
Saturday: 1:30pm-6:00pm
Sunday: 7:00pm-3:30am
Monday (a drs appointment at 11:15am): 1:30pm-7:00pm.
There ends the string of wonky days, but phew. Explaining my hours alone is exhausting.
As for it being Thanksgiving, both my favorite, and one of my most detested due to it’s colonialist, racist, and ignorance filled, holidays.
I recognize the Salish people’s land I like on and am grateful for the opportunity to for me to gather with friends after working. I am grateful that I have a job to go to. Though I couldn’t be with family we exchanged pictures and talked on the phone.
All in all, a good holiday day.
Rantings, Ravings, wRitings... 