It feels like I’m having to rip these words from the very matter of my brain. It is painful and I’m unsure what to write because I don’t know what I want to say. Part of me doesn’t want to say a damn thing. I am too sore, too empty, too lonely… but those are all beautiful reasons to write, despite how bad those feelings are.
Not only does my brain need to be coaxed and smacked and ripped, so does my heart because it doesn’t know where it wants to go either. I think I find something it wants, but then… it doesn’t want it anymore.
I’m left completely unsatisfied, eternally. No love, no commitment; just emptiness, pain, grief.
Oh grief, so much grief…
And I feel like I’m bearing it all alone.
Thoughts of whether or not I believe in a higher power, or if I’ll force myself to for the illusion of comfort. I miss ritual, I miss stability.
I desire a person, but so it seems no person desires me, or at least hasn’t spoken up about it.
So, here I start again, putting words down, recording them for people to see.
Here I start again.
(Written off the cuff)